MARRIAGE TOOLS SERIES WITH PASTOR BISI ADEWALE
WHOLESOME TONGUE
Proverbs 4:24
“Put away from thee a froward mouth, and perverse lips put far from thee.”
Having previously considered a Godly heart as the foremost tool for a great marriage, the second most important tool is your tongue. Your tongue must be a wholesome one, devised to build up your spouse not to destroy your home.
What you say matters so much and goes a long way to affect your marriage. It can make or mar your home. Your mouth must be developed and trained to build your family life.
Talking about a wholesome tongue, it simply means you must be polite in addressing issues and circumstances surrounding you without being rude.
Many couples lack some basic courtesies needed in marriage. Rudeness, careless words, disrespect for one’s spouse, criticisms, public embarrassment do not portray politeness.
Before the wedding, most singles ensure they are courteous as they put their best partner ahead of their desires. They are consumed by the passion to make their intended spouse feel good about them. Once the ceremony is over, courtesy dwindles until mutual honour and respect are annihilated.
Painting a picture of his wife, Mr Jones went thus; “Pastor, I am tired of my wife because she is too fat for my liking. She is formless and shapeless like an amoeba. Urgh! Her appearance is killing me,” he said with disgust written all over his face. As though a cat caught my tongue, I was speechless but as soon as I overcame the initial shock, I responded, “ Mr Jones, I think you are exaggerating. Is your wife that fat? The new response left my mouth aghast. He said, “Man of God, I pray your wife is never as fat as mine. Not to worry when she comes around, you would see for yourself. She is one of those fat women who sit in the toilet seat and the toilet flushes in anger.” Obviously pleased by the amazed expression. He continued “Yes, we have situations where the toilet will be angry because of the weight it is carrying. It starts to flush itself in annoyance when man-mountain and hippopotamus women like my wife sit on them’’ By the time he was done, my curiosity to see his wife heightened. I was really looking forward to seeing the man-mountain woman.
Five minutes later, the woman called from the car park asking him to come to lead her to my office. I looked out the window but the woman I saw was slightly fatter than my wife. Going by the description he gave, I told him his wife wasn’t outside. As the persistent call from his wife continued, he joined me at the window and confirmed that the woman I saw was really his wife. That was unbelievable. His voice shouting at the woman to walk fast and “stop walking like an overloaded trailer” brought me out of the shock. How can a man be this impolite and unkind with words? This is the situation of many marriages today.
Why is it that we deeply hurt people we once said we love dearly? No marriage can be a success without politeness. It is impossible. We can’t be hurting each other, eating up each other and think we will both grow in love and grace. That is why the Lord commanded both husband and wife to respect and honour each other.
Let’s check what the Lord commanded husbands to do:
“Likewise ye husband, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving HONOUR unto the wife as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life that your prayers be not hindered”. (1Peter 3:7). This commandment is for husbands to HONOUR their wives.
Likewise, the Lord commanded wives to respect their husbands. “And let the wife see that she REVERENCE her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
To be polite means you are behaving or speaking in a way that is correct for the social situation you are in and showing that you are careful to commanding other people’s needs and feelings. A wholesome tongue in marriage will simply behave and speak in an appropriate manner to the husband or the wife. You carefully consider your spouse’s opinions, feelings, and needs.
Most of us are polite to strangers, neighbours, passers-by but are fond of hurting our spouses with our words.
To have a successful marriage, to build a better home and make your family a blissful one, everyone involved must exercise a wholesome tongue. You can’t be too nice or too polite to your mate. You can’t continue to “put down” your spouse and think your marriage will grow up.
Wrongful use of our tongue
1. Fighting in public.
2. Comparing our spouses with our secretaries, housemaids, parents, siblings, friend’s spouse,
etc.
3. Criticizing each other. 1 Peter 2:1
- Outright condemnation of your spouses' stature, outlook, parents, job, motherhood,
dressing, etc. - Barking orders at one's spouse
- Speaking angrily with abusive words to one's spouse. Colossians 3:19
“Be kindly affection one to another with brotherly love, in honour preferring one another”.
Romans 12:10
Kindness in words creates confidence, kindness in thinking create profoundness and kindness in feelings create love” – Lau Tzu
Positive use of our Tongue
1. To appreciate our spouse
2. To complement our spouse
3. To confess forgiveness to our spouse
4. To encourage our spouse
5. To teach our spouse
6. To pray for our spouse
7. To kiss our spouse
REWARD OF POSITIVE USE OF OUR TONGUE
“He who sows courtesy reaps friendship and he who plants kindness gathers love”- Spanish
Proverb
Being kind in the usage of our tongue is the real missing link in every bad marriage. (Proverbs 14:33). There is practically no way to make a marriage work when kind words are absent. I want to show you good things Positive Usage of our Tongue will do to any marriage.
1. It is the bedrock of a successful marriage: Kindness in the way we talk is the bedrock
upon which a good and solid family life can be laid. Kind words make marriage joyful and
wonderful.
2. Brings love: What we refer to as love is simply kindness; the end part of kindness is love.
When kindness is received and returned, love will definitely spring up.
3. Emotional closeness: Positive usage of our tongue will lead to emotional closeness as it generates good thoughts and goodwill between married couples.
4. Friendship: Emotional closeness leads to friendship. When marriage turns to friendship, it becomes a place to be and a relationship to enjoy.
- It is a good example: Being positive in the usage of our tongue in marriage is a good
example for our children, neighbours, and on-lookers. It is a good example for generations yet unborn who are opportune to learn new ways to build a good and godly marriage. - It is the secret of couples in long years of marriage: Couples who have been living
together in peace for over twenty years will tell you that they speak positively to one another. Nobody will like to continue to live with somebody who is cruel and wicked to him or her. - Its payback is strong: If you speak positively about your spouse it has a high way of paying you back if you continue in it, it will surely pay you. No matter how difficult your mate is, if you dare continue in kindness, he or she will be overwhelmed and come to his or her senses.
- Ensure peace at home: Being positive about your spouse will ensure that you forever
dwell in peace. There is no kindness in the battlefield but in a home where kindness reigns, there can never be war.
