HOW TO BUILD SELFLESSNESS IN MARRIAGE
-By Bisi Adewale
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind, let each esteem the other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others”. Philippians 2:3-4
“The true meaning of life is to plant a tree under whose shade you do not expect to sit” – Nelson Henderson
Selflessness is a strong course in the school of marital success. It is the master key that opens the door of blessing in marriage. Nothing works well in a marriage without selflessness. Nothing destroys marriage faster than selfishness. Selfishness is known to be the mother of almost all ‘sins’ in marriage. Selfishness leads to self-destruction of any marriage.
When Wale and Jummy, his fiancée visited Wale’s grandpa, he was very glad to see them Grandpa, as he is fondly called was in his late 90s, a retired Pastor and public administrator. He invited his grandson and his wife-to-be about three months before their wedding ceremony. He wanted to give them what he called the “MATRIMONIAL LOVE TEST.”
The two love birds came with joy and expectation because they were very sure they would pass their Granpa’s test. For them, they were really in love having nurtured their relationship for almost four years. This conversation ensued:
Grandpa: “Welcome, my children”, he said as he cleared his throat. “I know you are here for your “matrimonial love test”, “Yes papa”, they chorused.
“Are you in love?” he asked them.
“Yes we are”, they said together after looking at each other in amazement. “Are you really sure you are in love?” “Of course Papa, we love each other” Wale replied sharply “Are you really, really, sure you are in love?”
“Ahaa Papa, we are in love. We are really, really in love”. Wale replied in obvious irritation. Papa looked at him but still asked another question.
“Do you love each other enough for marriage?” Wale quite irritated replied “Papa, We were told you wanted to give us a love test not queries? Why all these questions?” Wale answered rudely. “Oh! The test? Are you ready for it?” Papa asked ignoring his rudeness.
“Yes, we are ready, give us the test.” “Are you really ready for it” The old man asked again. “Here you go again with your really, really questions. We said we are ready”. Wale answered.
“Okay, you will surely have the test now.” Papa answered them. The two love birds opened their bags and brought out their writing materials, ready to write.
But Papa said, “Oh before the test, I need to entertain you people, I should not be a bad host”. He then asked somebody to bring plates of fruits and bottles of drink from his room.
Three apples on one plate, three oranges on another plate, with two small bottles; one containing fruit drink and another containing water, was set before the couple-to-be while grandpa got himself busy with his newspaper.
Wale picked one apple while his fiancée ate the second one. Wale hurriedly finished his and took the third apple. Seeing that, the lady followed suit as she rushed to pick an orange. After peeling the orange, she gave wale the knife and while he busied himself with the orange, she grabbed the third orange. Wale then gulped the bottle of juice and left the bottle of water for his fiancée. The old man, pretending to be reading the newspaper, was observing them without their knowledge. When they were through, they called on the Grandpa that they were now ready for their test. Grandpa demanded that they should bring the paper they planned to use for the test.
Having collected the papers from them, he wrote something on them and said, “My children, the tests are over. I will now give you your result”. “We’ve not done any test, Papa”, they protested.
“You have. The result is what I was writing in these papers. I will now give you back your result.” He handed back the sheets of paper to them.
In the paper, the old man wrote:
Orange love test…..Not well done
Apple love test……Done poorly
Drinks love test……Done poorly
Mark Obtainable Mark Attained
? Romance 100% 70%
? Service 100% 20%
? Sacrifice 100% 10%
? Selflessness 200% 30%
Total: 500% 130%
When they got their results, they protested. “Papa, you didn’t tell us that the fruits and drink is the test. We would have done it better.” “Oh, that is why it is a test”. Granpa said laughing.
“Let’s go back to your results. On getting here, I was able to assess your romance level through the way you held each other’s hands, laughed, played, and cracked jokes. You scored a high mark which is why I gave you 70% in romance. Unfortunately, it is not romantic love that makes marriage work. What makes a marriage work is “Authentic love”. After your wedding, romantic love will fade away but if you don’t have authentic love, you will start to have serious problems in your marriage as your relationship stutters. That is the reason many people divorce after only four years of marriage. They never had authentic love.
The three ways to know authentic love are:
– SERVICE
– SACRIFICE and
– SELFLESSNESS.
Among these three, selflessness ranks the highest. Without selflessness, there will be no service and sacrifice and without the three of them what remains is definitely not marriage but bondage. You are supposed to get married in three months time, but I will add another three months to it, so that you can learn to serve each other. You will come here often within that period for real training and teaching. I know you will not like this, but that is the best way to protect your future and your destiny”.
“Take this one with you my children”. He continued, “A good marriage is a relationship between two servants; selflessly serving each other to the glory of God and joy of each other. If you can be selfless, you will do well in marriage”. The way both of you struggled to eat the apples, oranges and the drink, without consideration for your partner shows a high level of selfishness. That kind of spirit can destroy both of you. Selflessness helps to keep your vow and to solidify your commitment. It helps you to serve each other and face hardship together without blaming each other”. The old man concluded.
What selflessness is:
To be selfless means to care about other people not thinking of oneself but others, not thinking about only your good and pleasure. It involves considering other people. A selfless person in marriage is not selfish. You are not pre-occupied with yourself; you put the well-being of your spouse above yourself. Philippians 2:4
How we demonstrate selfishness in marriage
People demonstrate selfishness in marriage in the following ways:
- Focusing on their own needs above the needs of their spouse
- Stinginess. Selfishness is the mother of stinginess; you hoard money when you know that your mate needs it.
- Personal pleasure seeking. You seek your pleasure only and the impact it has on your spouse is inconsequential to you. The TV channel you like is what your spouse must watch. Only the food you like must be cooked. This is a selfish person.
- You say “I”, “me”, “mine” and “myself” only.
- No service. You don’t do any house chores. You feel it is the duty of the woman alone. You can’t even carry your baby, not to talk of changing the diapers.
- Self-glorification. You take glory for all successes and blame your spouse for all failures.
- Hidden Income. Your spouse does not know how much you earn monthly. You hide your salary from him or her,
- Self-focused prayer. You only pray for yourself, you hardly remember your spouse on your knees.
- Self-congratulation. This is when you sarcastically show your spouse that you think you have done very well at something.
- Self-centered. You feel you are enough for yourself and that you don’t need your partner or any other person. Therefore, you are not friendly and you do not show your feelings to your spouse or people around you.
- Self-importance. The attitude that shows you are more important than your spouse or other people around you. You are full of pride, arrogance and pomposity. You even think your spouse is so fortunate to have married you.
- Self-interest. This is to have consideration for what is best for only you rather than your spouse.
- Self-opinionated. Always want to win any argument. You believe that your own opinion is the best and that you are always right.
- Self-focused sex. You want sex only when you feel like whether your spouse wants it or not. This is very common among men.
HOW TO DEMONSTRATE SELFLESSNESS AT HOME
We can demonstrate selflessness in marriage in the following ways:
? Be a good listener (Philippians 4:8-9). It takes a good and selfless person to be a good listener. Listen to your spouse.
? Be willing to serve. Serve your mate; don’t always seek to be served.
? Be ready to lose argument. Always try to buy into your spouse’s opinion. Stop the argument. If you always win arguments in marriage, you are not a good person. You may win the argument but you have lost a friend.
? Have “you”-focus. Lose focus of “me, “I”, “mine”, “myself”, “my”. Avoid using these words in marriage. Always say “you”, “we” “our”. Philippians 2:2
? Dependency. Rely on God for all things. Rely on your spouse for many things. Don’t think you know all things and you can do all things.
? Give gifts. Giving is a good way to show you have overcome greed and selfishness.
? Bend backwards to make sacrifice. Do things you wouldn’t have done if not for your spouse. Go to places you wouldn’t ordinarily have gone just to make your mate happy.
? Team work. See your spouse as a member of your team; work together.
? Be open. Don’t hide from your spouse. Be open; stop hiding your salary from him or her.
? Praise your spouse. Praise your spouse for his or her success and even your own success. Don’t monopolise glory. Share it, and make your mate happy.
? Honour your spouse. Treat your mate as an honourable person; honour him or her. See your husband as the president and your wife as the first lady.
“There are only four ways to enjoy your marriage better- caring for your spouse, daring for your mate, serving your partner and sharing with the one you chose to marry” – Bisi Adewale
Pastor Bisi Adewale is a family and relationship expert; author of Secret of Irresistible Wife and more than 70 other books on marriage and family life. You can reach him on familybooster@gmail.com, 08068312004, 08051512823, BB: 2AF5C883, Blog: www.bisiadewale.com, Website:www.familybooster.com facebook.com/PastorBisiAdewale.Twitter@bisiadewale
