APOLOGY: A WAY TO A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
Bisi Adewale
Mistakes, errors and conflicts are inevitable in marriage as we will surely hurt each other. If we want peace to reign in our marriage; we must learn to apologize. No marriage can break if all couples master the art of apology. An apology is to admit you made a mistake, committed errors, hurt someone’s feeling, did something stupid, fail to meet up to the standard, made a bad decision, and you regret your actions. When you apologize, you accept full responsibilities, without trying to justify or rationalize the mistake. (Proverbs 17:4)
WHY PEOPLE APOLOGIZE:
Many people apologize for various reasons
– Apologize just to get themselves out of trouble, not really because they regret their actions.
– Apologize just to show to people that they are humble
– Some apologize so that they can have their way with the person they offended.
– Others apologize because they want to put the past behind them.
– While some apologize because they are deeply sorry for what they did wrong.
WHY WE FAIL TO APOLOGIZE
As simple as it sounds to say “I am sorry”, many of us find it difficult to say it. We need to check why it is one of the most difficult words to use in English grammar.
- Pride. Anyone struck by pride, who feels he or she is superior to others cannot apologize easily.
- Self-righteousness. If you feel you are right and others are wrong, you will never apologize.
- Self-justification. People who always justify their misdeeds find it difficult to apologize
- Stubbornness. Even when they know they are wrong, stubborn people are always adamant to admit their errors.
- Ego. Husbands, most especially, find it difficult to apologize to their wives, no matter how wrong they are because of ego as the head and chief provider of the house.
- Keeping score. Some people have scores to settle, they are filled with vengeance. Such people never apologize for their actions.
- Fear of losing face. Many people believe that when they are seen apologizing to someone, they will lose their prestige among their friends.
- Anger. People do not apologize when they are still angry and bitter.
- Fear of leadership loss. Husbands generally do believe it is an act of leadership never to admit when they are wrong, they believe their wives will take their position of authority if they apologize. They see it as a sign of weakness
- Lack of brokenness. It takes brokenness for people to admit wrong, when you always find it difficult to apologize, it shows you are not broken.
- Wrong notion. Most men have the wrong notion that it is unmanly to apologize to their wives.
- Fear of looking weak. Some people believe that it is a sign of weakness to admit your mistakes and apologize.
One of the roots of the high divorce rate is the inabilities of couples to admit their errors, apologize for them and to change their ways. It has turned many jolly friends to sworn enemies, making marriage difficult, breeding bitterness, resentment, malice, unforgiveness and vengeance.
Apology comes in different forms. It can be plastic apology where you apologize just to keep peace in the home and not because you are truly sorry. It can also be the “shut up” type; where you apologize just to prevent confrontation as regards the issue at hands though your spouse is yet to give an opinion concerning the issues.
An apology can also be a sincere one, where you humbly admit your mistakes and apologize with the spirit of repentance to your mate and change completely from what you have been doing wrong.
To bring peace into your home, learn to apologize sincerely as this will bring total restoration to your marriage and joy to your home.
HOW TO APOLOGIZE
Make it a habit to admit your mistakes, acknowledge that you are wrong and apologize sincerely.
- Do not be pretentious while apologizing, genuinely mean it, show it and say it from the bottom of your heart.
- An apology will remove the friction between couples in the home and restore love, happiness and joy into the home, make the offended partner to forgive the offender and ultimately bring peace into the house.
Practical ways to do it:
- Cooling effects: When your spouse is hurt and angry, allow him or her to cool down before you apologize. Do not force your spouse to m accept your apology.
- Tone effects. Do not shout if he or she is shouting. Lower your voice and let sincerity be in your tone.
- Blame effect. Take the blame, accept your mistakes and admit it. Do not explain or rationalize it. Do not dish blames to your spouse
- Face to face effect. Except where it is not possible to meet, try to see your spouse face to face to settle the problem. Avoid sending e-mail from the office. Who says he will read your mails.
- Closeness effect. Move closer to your spouse to apologize. Don’t apologize to your husband when he is in the room and you are in the kitchen.
- Penalty effect. Ask your spouse what you should do to make him or her feel better.
- Physical effect. Flower, gifts, letters, text messages, emails, etc are still good for apologies but these must be secondary. A verbal apology is needed first followed by any of these.
© Bisi Adewale 2020
