Fundamental laws of marriage Part 9

 Fundamental laws of marriage by Bisi Adewale

In conclusion to the series of fundamental laws of marriage we have started weeks ago, here is the last law which is indeed crucial to every marriage which aims high to be successful.

LAW OF TRANSPARENCY IN MARRIAGE

One thing that is lacking in many marriages that make it difficult for many is transparency. Many people in marriage are simply not open to each other, this gives to lots of crisis and conflict in the family, if your home must be joyful, peaceful and blissful you and your partner must be open to each other, not given room for doubt, distrust and suspicion.  You must live a life of total openness without, ” dark rooms”  ” skeleton” in your cupboard, nothing to hide everything is on the table.

That is what the Bible described in Genesis 2:25 “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed”.

To be transparent means to be open, candid free from guile and to be frank.
Transparency in marriage simply means the state of being open, truthful, candid and frank with your spouse, it also means to be full of guile and dishonesty.
Marriage is known to be extremely difficult where husband and wife are not transparent to each other. It gives room for all manners of evil that have consumed so many marriages.

Dangers of Lack of Transparency

The absence of transparency in Marriage has many dangers and grave implications on family life. In fact, it is one of the reasons why marriages are crashing worldwide.
Let check some of the implications of failure to be transparent in marriage.

1. Suspicion: lack of transparency is the foundation of suspicion, because there is no openness it gives room to wrong imaginations, negative thinking and jumping into conclusions which most of the time may not be the truth. Suspicion is known to lead to wrong accusation that can be really annoying leading to anger and every other negativities.
2. Distrust: when suspicion grows it becomes distrust which is a killer of love and destroyer of marriage. Good Marriage is base on trust; so, when trust is broken marriage is almost over.
3. Fear: suspicion and distrust do generate fear and anxiety, because of lack of information, misinformation and uncertainty that surrounds the home and family life in a place where transparency is lacking.
4. Wrong accusation: distrust, fear and suspicion which are all off- shot of lack of transparency are known to lead to wrong accusation and counter-accusations which is very dangerous to the well being of the family life.
5. Conflict and Crisis: with suspicion, wrong accusation, fear and distrust in the house what do you expect than conflict and crisis?

Lack of transparency is known to cause a lot of crisis, as the couple begins to fight each other even when there is no cogent reason for it.

6. Rumor: One thing that is common in a home without transparency is the influence of 3rd party in marriage, bringing, rumors, misinformation, gossips and lies. Which do help to fuel conflict in marriage?
7. Lovelessness: there is no way love can thrive in a marriage where transparency is lacking, all that is common in this kind of homes are malice, anger, resentment, hatred and bitterness.
8. Sick Marriage: The end result of the absence of transparency in marriage is bad and difficult marriage. What do you expect in a home full of distrust, fear, lovelessness if not difficult and terrible marriage?

TYPES OF TRANSPARENCY IN MARRIAGE

There are different kind of transparency in marriage, we need to study them and go for the best form of transparency in your marriages.

1. Zero transparency.  This is where there is no transparency at all in the home rather the marriage is full of “dark rooms”, secrecy, lies, pretense, deceits and cover-ups.
   Zero transparency is known to produce very difficult marriages and tense homes, it is always marriage at its worst level.
2. Half Transparency:This is when couples are transparent to each other in some areas but not in every area, some couples are transparent in the area of sex but have Zero transparency in the area of money. Couple will always fight; have conflict, distrust and misunderstanding in the area where they have things to hide from each other.
3. One-sided Transparency: Transparency is one-sided in marriage if it is only one of the couple that is transparent while the other partner is not.
   Marriage in this kind of mode will also be difficult in the long run except if the defaulting partner changes.
4. Total Transparency: this is when husband and wife are totally open to each other spirit soul and body, reveal and sharing their past, present and plans for the future, working together in love and trust, building each other up in every areas of life and helping each other to grow into the likeness of Christ, thereby building good homes and marriages and making each other happy all the days of their lives together.
5. WONDERS OF TRANSPARENCY

Transparency is very useful in any human relationship, it even becomes more useful when it happens in an intimate relationship like marriage, let’s take time out to study the benefit of transparency in marriage, you will then see reasons to be transparent to your own spouse.

1. Transparency builds trust:Somebody said, “transparency is the mother of trust, No openness, no trust” he added. This is the whole truth, don’t just pray for trust in your marriage, trust doesn’t answer to prayer, just be open to each other trust will be the end result.
2. Love:it is possible to trust somebody you don’t really love if he has proven himself in that kind of situation before, but it is difficult to love somebody you don’t trust. Trust is essential to building love in Marriage.
3. Eliminates conflict:when there is openness and transparency conflict will be reduced to the barest minimum at home.
4. Breed joy: two people in a marriage who knows they are not been deceived are always happy with each other and do have joy in themselves, because nobody love been deceived, everybody love been celebrated, love and been handled with sincerity, honesty and truth.
5. Makes two hearts to beat as one:Transparency is the secret Behind real intimacy in marriage, somebody defined intimacy as IN-TO-ME-SEE, how can this happen without transparency?

For your marriage to go beyond wedding into BONDING; there must be transparency and openness in your marriage. Wedding is the joining of hands at the altar on your wedding day, bonding comes by joining your hearts all the days of your marriage to your spouse.

1. Leads to easy agreement: Transparent couple can easily agree with each other on issues because of the mutual understanding and sincerity they both share.
   F. Leads to better result in Marriage: Better result, promotion and synergy is known to be part of marriages where people involved are transparent.
   G. Builds mutual respect:Transparency in marriage helps to build mutual respect between husband and wife, it is very easy  for a woman to respect a man she can trust and really upon than for her to trust a man that is not reliable or dependable
   H. Leads to better Result: transparency always lead to a better result in marriage, since transparency leads to trust and unity, it makes couples move faster and get better results than couples who are at the loggerheads with each other because there is no trust.

     AREAS OF TRANSPARENCY IN MARRIAGE

There are many areas where couples should make sure they are transparent to each other if they desire stronger and better marriage.

1. Family transparency. Couples should be transparency in the way they relate with their individual families; given secretive supports to your family without the knowledge of your spouse will totally break the trust between you and your spouse if she gets to know. Handle your families together in love, openness and transparency, don’t allow your family to come between you people, you are not even permitted to love your family more than your spouse, your spouse comes first after God in your life.

2. Phone Transparency.This another area where modern couples do fail to be transparent, many do hide their phones for their spouses, some do take their phones with them when they go to the toilet and bathroom, many do put codes on their phones so that their spouses will not be able to access it if they (spouse) were able to lay hands upon it accidentally. Some will be receiving calls and be walking away from their you spouse saying “hello, hello, the network is bad” just to walk away from where their spouse can hear them, some will deliberately not pick some calls in the presence of their spouses. If you have nothing to hide, why hiding your phone from your spouse or make or receive call secretly? if there is no skeleton in your cupboard why taking phones to the bathroom? Or restricting your spouse access to it.

3. Mail transparency.  A whole lot of people can never allow their spouse to have access to their emails; again if you have nothing to hide, then you don’t need to hide your emails details to your spouse. There is no email address that I have that my wife cannot access, a times I will even tell her to check the mails for me or send mail to people in it. Remember both of you must first be NAKED so as not to be ashamed

4. Friendship Transparency.  No other relationship you be stronger or better than your relationship with your spouse, your relationship with your husband or wife come first in everything you do, others follow. Your spouse has the right to know what transpires between you and anybody you call your friend. Please note that if you are a married man your close friends or people you call “friends” should be men like you not ladies, likewise friends of married women should be ladies not men as this help to destroy trust and transparency in marriage and bring fear and suspicion.
5. Financial Transparency.If there is any area couples do find it difficult more than any area, that area is in the area of financial transparency. Most people value money more than their spouses, hence, hide every financial detail make sure their spouse does not know how much they earn as salary and other incomes.
   To have financial transparency in your marriage, you need to be open to each other about how much is coming in and how it is been spent, let your spouse know your debts, obligations, fees, bills, rents, rates and fares to be paid and when. Your expected income and how you plan to spend it. The project you have now and how it is been run etc

 EASY WAYS TO TRANSPARENCY IN MARRIAGE

If good marriage is your desire, then trust must be something you must rise to build, if you must build trust, then go ahead be transparent, trust in marriage is not built through prayer and fasting, NO, it is built by being transparent, here we want to check the best way to become transparent in your marriage.

–  Spend time together: spending time together will make you know more about each other as you become exposé to each other, trust is built, love increases and marriage becomes better.

– Effective Communication: Don’t just spend time together, but spend together communicating effectively. Transparency only comes out of effective communication as you talk as friends, lovers and as partners. To have effective communication, you must open your heart as you talk not just your mouth, you must talk openly, deeply, truthfully, joyfully, fearlessly, continuously, totally respectfully and romantically. When you talk at this level, the level of communication will be maximum and your marriage will become better.

– Speak the Truth: I need to emphasize that truth is the foundation of transparency, so as you communicate with your spouse, say what you mean and mean what you say, don’t ever tell your spouse lies, it destroys trust and hurts marriage relationship deeply. Nothing destroys transparency like dishonesty and lies. Even when you are telling the truth later your spouse will not take you seriously.

– Be faithful and let your spouse know you do. Don’t ever give room for sexual immorality and don’t allow your spouse to think you are not faithful, so do everything to be open to your spouse, don’t spend unaccountable time with the opposite sex,  don’t be closer to any opposite sex than your mate.

–  Your spouse has the right to know the kind of relationship you have with any opposite sex that is close to you and for what reason.

–  avoid pornography like plague, your spouse will never trust you if he or she knows you are hook on pornography.

–  Pray together always with your spouse: praying together Build love and friendship and make you to be more open to each other, making your marriage better and stronger.