SILENT KILLERS OF INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
Bisi Adewale
“Take us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines, for our vine have tender grapes.
(Song of Solomon 2:15)
Intimacy is like a living organism; it can fall sick and even die. Death of intimacy can be caused by various factors. Some are:
1. Busy Schedule. Busyness can destroy the business of marriage. When the husband and wife become too busy to spend quality time together in talking, playing and praying, intimacy will be far from their marriage. Various activities in office, job, career, ministry or business trips can cause this. No matter how busy you are, create time for your marriage.
2. Lack of a Partner-Focused Life. Any vocation or business that lacks focus in life will fail and die a natural death. Similarly, when couples fail to live a partner-focused life, intimacy will become an alien in their marriage. The inability of some couple to make their spouse a priority has kept them at arm’s length. To most men, their work comes first while to most women, their children come first. Though your career, children or your ministry are very important, none of them is as important as your marriage. Make your spouse your number one priority. Let your motto be: God first, family second, others third.
3. Television & Social Media. Many couples kill intimacy through the time they devote to watching television, pressing their phones. The only time some couples spend together at home is left for watching television, and social media things, etc. No wonder many are oblivious of their spouse’s plans. Television and social media things are supposed to be for leisure; it is not supposed to put pressure on your marriage. Don’t spend all your time watching programs being busy online. Create time for your spouse.
4. Unforgiveness. Another major poison that kills intimacy in marriage is the lack of a forgiving spirit. Couples who refuse to forgive each other can never be intimate. Unforgiveness brings tension into marriage and tears love birds apart. In marriage, there are bound to be misunderstandings. Even the teeth and tongue ‘quarrel’ yet they are still together. Differences will lead to misunderstanding but forgiveness must always be wielded to stop it from degenerating into a conflict. Unfortunately, many couples are living like cat and mouse. Have a forgiving spirit; build intimacy in that marriage.
5. Infidelity. Infidelity brings lack of trust and suspicion which murder intimacy in marriage. As a wife, you may get advances from other men but you must not yield to them. Even as a husband, you may be enticed by other ladies in your office, neighbourhood, city, etc but you must not fall for them. Stick to your spouse; be contented with him or her.
6. Third-Party Interference. In a marriage, where a third party is allowed to take charge of the affairs at home, it will always create a gulf between the couple and bring tension into a once peaceful home. Third parties include your children, father, mother, siblings, friends, etc. Love them but don’t let them dictate the pace in your marriage.
7. Lack of Intimate communication. Lack of intimate communication is a silent killer of intimacy in a marriage relationship. Expressions like an outburst of anger, use of abusive words, hissing, namecalling are negative communications that can destroy intimacy. Communication is the key to intimacy, and it must be total, truthful, and down-to-earth.
8. Lack of privacy. Intimacy is always difficult where couples do not have a room of their own. When couples live in the same room with their children or relatives, it usually has a negative effect on the intimacy principle. Grown-up children should be allowed to have their separate room while couples should stay together in their personal room without intrusion from any quarters.
9. Self. Marriage should not be self-driven; it should be a ‘we’ haven. Selfishness is a major destroyer of intimacy which operates through “I”, “Me”, “Mine” and “myself”. Everyone in marriage should know that marriage is ‘we’ and not mine if intimacy is to be built.
10. Bad Leadership. Marriage is about leadership and followership. Good leadership brings about good followership while bad leadership kills intimacy. A marriage where the husband is a a dictator who lords over his wife and takes decisions without considering his wife’s welfare will be void of intimacy.
11.Bad followership. Bad followership is the twin brother of bad leadership. A marriage where the wife is stubborn, difficult, quarrelsome, disrespectful, unyielding and unbending will not encourage intimacy because, in a godly home, the husband is a good leader while the virtuous wife is a submissive follower.
12.Distance. The plan of God is not for couples to live apart in different cities, houses, rooms or locations. Couples who are bound by distance will find it difficult to build intimacy in their marriage.
13. Tragedy. Evil occurrences like the death of a child or loved one, accidents and other tragic events can send intimacy on exile in any home.
14. Sickness. Terminal diseases or reoccurring ailments are great enemies of intimacy in marriage. The pressure associated with nursing a sick spouse in and out of the hospital can put a strain on intimacy.
15. Failure. Failure is an orphan while success is everybody’s friend. Intimacy becomes difficult when a party in the marriage is failure-personified. When it becomes unbearably difficult to achieve success in business, work or ministry, the cords of intimacy are strained. It is not ideal for anyone in marriage to look down on a failing party; instead, he or she should be encouraged to improve. It is a known fact that closeness and intimacy become easy in the presence of success.
16. Big-me-small-you mentality. Among the two parties in the marriage, none should be classified as superior or inferior. So in a situation where one of them is having a big-me-small-you mentality, intimacy will be chocked to death. No matter your qualification or level of achievement in life, you must not look down on your spouse.
17. Serve-me-serve-me mentality. Marriage is not a place to be served; it is a place of service. When any of the parties involved is expecting his or her spouse to serve and keep on serving as a maid, slave-master relationship results, thereby, killing intimacy in that marriage. This can be avoided if there is a change in attitude.
18. Child-rearing. Different views on child-rearing and lack of agreement between couples in child discipline can put couples at loggerheads thereby causing a gulf between them. To build intimacy, couples should be united in speech and actions as this will facilitate the raising of disciplined and godly children.
19. Hatred. Hatred towards one’s spouse is a sure killer of unity and intimacy in marriage. Now that you are married, make up your mind to love the one you married. Remember all your marriage vows and do all you can to love your spouse against all odds.
20. Failure to pray together. When couples fail to pray together, their spiritual intimacy will definitely be destroyed. No matter how busy you are, it is important you create time to commit your life, family and business into the hands of God. Take time to study the Bible together and attend church programmes together. These and other activities will help in building spiritual intimacy in your home.
© Bisi Adewale 2020
