MANAGING IN-LAWS AND MARRIAGE
Bisi Adewale
Through wisdom is an house builded; and by understanding it is established:
Proverbs 24:3
Apart from managing the relationship between your spouse and your parents and siblings, managing your relationship with your In-laws is another very technical relationship. A family expert said it is the most technical relationship in the world. Many Marriages crash because in-laws were not handled very rightly; many Couples are living miserable lives because of mismanagement of in-laws. If you want Marriage of your dream, you must learn how to manage your relationship with your in-laws.
WRONG WAYS WE HANDLE IN-LAWS
Let me discuss with you here wrong ways to handle your in-laws:
FIRE FOR FIRE APPROACH: returning fire for their fire will never help you, don’t do it. Don’t declare war on them, they are part of your spouse’s history.
COLD WAR APPROACH: Some will not fight outrightly but will not be at peace with them. This is also very wrong
TOTAL ABANDONMENT: Many will make their spouses abandon their parents and family, this is also dangerous.
SPOUSAL WALLING: Some will just mount a ‘wall’ around their spouses, block all avenues from which families can reach them
MARRIAGE HANDOVER: this is when you hand over your marriage to your in-laws to control it.
This you do:
— When you have to contact in-laws before you take any decision
— When they are the one paying all your Children school fees and your house rents
— when you report your spouse to in-laws
— When you live in the family house
— When you rely on family Members for sustenance.
All these will definitely backfire later
HOW TO HANDLE IN-LAWS
You have to manage your in-laws rightly to help you to build a great marriage and family life
you need to do the following:
COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY WITH YOUR SPOUSE: Let there be open, deep and effective communication between you and your spouse. But avoid talking ills of your spouse’s family, it will backfire later.
DON’T SEEK TO SEPARATE YOUR SPOUSE FROM HIS OR HER FAMILY: Don’t make effort to separate your spouse from his or her family, it will be unfair and unjust, you can only succeed for a while, it will backfire.
PATIENCE: You will need plenty of patience to handle in-laws, the truth is things do get better with time, just be patient.
LEARN THEIR CULTURE: Family culture and tradition differs. Take your time to know your in-laws’ customs, culture, traditions, food, dressing, Language and disposition in as much it’s not against God will.
PRAYER: In-laws’ issues need prayer, you will need to pray instead of you fighting, let the Lord fight for you. Also ask God for wisdom to handle the issues.
ACCEPTANCE: You will learn to accept your in-laws, they can never be like your family, their history is different from yours, their experiences are different, just know that some things will never change, you will need to learn to accept it.
KNOWLEDGE: You will need deep knowledge about in-laws management to handle your inlaws rightly.
BOUNDARY BUILDING: Let there be boundary and make it clear as you set it with your spouse. With the wisdom of God, your in-laws can know how far they can go with you and your marriage. It is not everything they should know, it is not everything you should call them for, remember they remain third parties in your marriage.
INFORMATION: Learn and get good information about your in-laws, you will be able to know how to handle them. Learn from your spouse learn from what they are saying, what they do to other people etc
WISDOM: Apply the wisdom of God, know where, how and when to talk, know your limit and don’t go beyond it. You will need to be tactical, smart and wise.
SELF RELIANCE: Don’t ever rely on in-laws for your daily living, avoid going to them to beg for money, if you do they will take over your marriage and family, be self-reliant.
PROVISION: Provide for their needs to the best of your ability. Majority of the problems between mothers and daughters-in-law are the battle for the control of the pocket of the man who is the son of the older woman and the husband of the younger. There won’t be a need for this kind of battle if they are well catered for.
UNITY: Stand in unity with your spouse, stand together, have one voice and one vision, don’t ever allow in-laws to come between you.
FORGIVENESS: you will need to learn to forgive, you will forgive them for all they did when they rejected you when your spouse decided to marry you and the bad things you feel they did during your wedding and after. To have a great relationship with them forgiveness is the key.
© Bisi Adewale 2020
