4 Things To Do In A Marriage Meeting
Experimentation can continue with exactly how you run your marriage meetings, but I’d recommend keeping to the 4 parts Berger recommends, done in this order; as we’ll see, it has been structured in a deliberate way.
Appreciation
Appreciation kicks off each marriage meeting, and it consists of a simple, and yet surprisingly encouraging exchange of gratitude. Each person says “everything you can think of that you specifically liked or admired about your partner during the past week.”
Here are the guidelines for how the Appreciation part of a marriage meeting should work:
- Plan ahead. If you’re someone who finds it hard to remember the things you’re grateful for, or to articulate them on the spot, take notes in a journal or app; when your spouse does something you appreciate, jot it down. Of course, you should thank them on the spot too; it’s fine to repeat things you’re grateful for at the meeting.
- While one spouse speaks, the other listens. You’ll take turns expressing your gratitude, and while one spouse is speaking the other actively listens and does not interrupt.
- Be specific. General compliments are fine sometimes, but you should typically try to get as specific as possible; sharing details shows you were paying attention. So “I appreciated the amazingly delicious pot roast and blueberry cobbler you made on Tuesday” rather than “I appreciate your cooking.”
- Ask yourself “What else?” The goal here is to try to share everything you appreciated about your spouse the previous week. Once you’ve said a few things, ask yourself “What else?” to try to jog your memory and dislodge a few more compliments.
- Keep it 100% positive. This is not the time for expressing complaints or disappointment. Avoid backhanded compliments — criticism in the guise of gratitude: “I appreciate that you actually washed the dishes last night for once instead of leaving them in the sink.”
- Touch on physical characteristics, behaviors, and character traits — big or small. Your appreciations can run the gamut — everything you like and admire about your spouse is on the table. Don’t take anything for granted — be grateful even for small stuff. Here are some examples to get your gears turning:
- I appreciate how you never check your smartphone when you’re playing with the kids or talking to me.
- You looked amazing in your blue dress at the party on Saturday night.
- Thank you for sticking up for me when your mom tried to criticize my decision.
- Thanks for taking the kids to the doctor this week.
- I appreciate the conversation we had at dinner last night. Thanks for always reading interesting things and having interesting things to talk about.
- Thanks for always greeting me with a kiss when I come home from work.
- Thanks for letting me know you’d be coming home late on Tuesday.
- I appreciate you watching the kids so I could go play basketball.
- I appreciate you cleaning up the bedroom yesterday.
- I appreciate the hot sex we had last night.
- I appreciate you filling the car up with gas for me.
- Thanks for complimenting my work in front of your family.
The Appreciation part of a marriage meeting has several benefits. The open expression of gratitude rekindles feelings of warmth and intimacy, and makes each partner feel, well, appreciated. And, through the power of positive reinforcement, in showing your spouse you notice the things they do, they’ll more likely to do those things in the future. Paying more attention to the things you appreciate in your spouse will help you cultivate a more grateful mindset about life in general as well.
Starting with Appreciation also importantly sets a warm, positive, supportive vibe for the rest of the meeting.
Even if you express appreciation for each other on a regular, daily basis, it’s still a beneficial exercise. Kate and I always try to thank each other even for small, routine, “expected” stuff; for example, even though she always makes dinner, and I always clean up the kitchen, we always say, “Thanks for doing that.” And yet we still really enjoy this portion of the marriage meeting; you end up thinking of things you forgot to show appreciation for during the week, and it’s just really unexpectedly heartwarming to be acknowledged for who you are and what you do.
Chores (Including To-Dos/Finances)
Berger calls Chores “the business part of the meeting. Each of you says what you think needs to be done. You agree on priorities, timelines, and who will do each task. Teamwork is promoted and jobs get handled.”
You don’t have to talk about chores for which you’ve already established a routine and division of duties that’s working well. Instead, discuss chores that aren’t getting done, and are occasional rather than re-occurring.
Negotiate and brainstorm ways to get neglected chores done more effectively and consistently. One spouse can volunteer to take on a task, or you can decide to take turns, or delegate it to one of the children in the family or to outside help (like hiring a housekeeper).
Don’t demand that your spouse do a certain chore, but instead try to compromise. Don’t fall into the tit-for-tat trap either, where you insist on things being split evenly. Strive instead for a flexible, generous, reasonable give-and-take. One partner can do more chores if the other works more paid hours; it may not be equal, but it’s fair.
Really, you should ideally not think about the division of duties much at all; in the healthiest of relationships, partners often just see an undone chore and tackle it without asking whose job it is, without debate, and without having to exactly divvy up and assign tasks. You’re in this together, after all.
If that describes your relationship, then just use the Chores part of your marriage meeting to discuss other to-dos — things around the house that need to be fixed, appointments that need to be made, etc. Decide who will take care of that to-do, create an action step (“Call plumber”), and set a deadline to have the task finished. Todoist makes this very easy — you can share the list between you, assign the to-do to you or your wife, and set a date for its completion; if it doesn’t get checked off by the deadline, todoist will send you a reminder that it’s overdue.
You can also use this part of the meeting to talk about your finances, if there are things to discuss in that area.
At your next meeting, review what got done, offer progress reports, discuss why undone tasks weren’t completed by the deadline, and set new goals and priorities for the coming week.
If an issue concerning chores, to-dos, or finances runs into a significant conflict, and/or becomes heated/emotional, then table it for the moment, and move its discussion to the Problems & Challenges part of the meeting.
Plan for Good Times
In the foreword to Berger’s Marriage Meetings, therapist Linda Bloom notes that “cultivating a loving partnership isn’t just about ‘working on our relationship’; it’s also about co-creating experiences that bring pleasure and happiness into each spouse’s life.”
In fact, I’d say happy marriages have almost nothing to do with “working on our relationship,” and about 99% to do with striving to be an excellent, interesting, well-balanced person yourself, and doing things with your spouse that solidify your friendship and promote flourishing.
The “Plan for Good Times” portion of your marriage meeting helps you take concrete steps to do just that. You plan for:
- A date for just the two of you. Ideally, you should be going out on a one-on-one date every week. That’s not possible, or even necessary for everybody, so shoot for doing date night at least once a month. Remember, even if you’re busy or feel you can’t afford a regular night on the town, you can always plan a romantic at-home date.
- Individual activities. When you and your wife met, a lot of what drew you to each other was the fact that you each had your own interests and hobbies, and you took care of yourself. You embodied an attractive vitality. Don’t let that deteriorate after you get married by becoming complacent and losing yourself in the relationship. At your weekly marriage meeting, each partner should let the other know of at least one activity they’d like to do by themselves, or with a friend. It’s not selfish; alone time renews an energy that’s ultimately good for your marriage and your whole family.
- Activities with mutual friends. Hanging out with others together has a strange way of renewing your own feelings of happiness and love for each other. You don’t necessarily have to go out together with friends every week, but aim for at least once or twice a month.
- Family recreation. A family that has fun together, stays together. Instead of sitting around all weekend long, get out and do a microadventure. You can come up with some ideas at your marriage meeting, and then run them by your kids at your family meeting.
- Family/couple vacations. Talk about how your plans are progressing for your next trip.
It’s easy to talk about date nights and microadventures, but if you don’t sit down and decide on a specific activity and time, you’ll usually end up taking the path of least resistance and do nothing. By intentionally making plans for good times, you’ll end up with a lot more fun in your life. Date nights build intimacy and maintain the spark between you and your wife, while hanging out alone, with friends, and as a family creates bonds and memories that both elevate your individual happiness, and the happiness of your relationship as well.
Problems & Challenges
The Problems & Challenges part of the marriage meeting comes last by design. By this time the two of you are feeling appreciated, are confident that chores will get done, and are already looking forward to the fun things you’ve planned to do together. You should hopefully be feeling upbeat and have the confidence to tackle any challenges you may be facing with each other, or from life in general.
In this part of the meeting, “each of you can bring up any concern — money, sex, in-laws, parenting, changing schedules, or something else.” Here are some examples of the kinds of things you might talk about during Problems & Challenges:
- The (mis)behavior of one of your children and what to do about it
- Spouse isn’t backing you up when you’re disciplining the kids
- In-laws have been coming over too often (or you haven’t visited your own parents enough)
- Where to spend Thanksgiving/Christmas
- Where to send a kid for school
- Unhappiness with how much time spouse is spending at work
- Lack of intimacy/unhappiness with the frequency of sex
- Spouse is always late for everything
- Mutual or individual unhappiness with the church you’re attending
- Mutual or individual struggle with faith
- The frequency with which overnight guests have been visiting
- Spouse always leaves kitchen a mess
- Spouse makes critical comments about you in front of family/friends
- Conflict over budget
- Schedule of activities feels too packed
- Spouse is consistently in bad mood after work
- The desire to change jobs
- Whether to accept a job
- Spouse sabotages your diet
- Spouse has been drinking a lot
Problems & Challenges isn’t a chance to issue a laundry list of grievances. Each spouse can pick, at the most, two issues to bring up per meeting.
Each partner should explain their sides of things, or talk about the pros and cons of various choices. Brainstorm ideas for addressing the issue, and try to reach a compromise or mutually agreed upon decision.
If one partner tends to go on and on, endlessly coming up with new issues and angles to talk about, and they get offended if you try to wrap things up, agree to use a timer and set it for 20 minutes. Then the timer can end things impersonally. If you haven’t resolved something by the sound of the beep, agree to revisit the issue next week.
If you and your wife struggle to discuss issues without it becoming heated and acrimonious, review our articles on the commandments of clean communication, and how to communicate your needs in a relationship.
At your first few meetings, instead of bringing up serious, sensitive, contentious issues straight off, talk about things that will be fairly easy to resolve. That way you’ll build confidence in your ability to discuss and address issues together and come to associate the meetings with enjoyment rather than tension; having your first marriage meeting be acrimonious may cause you to drop the idea altogether.
Keep in mind that research says that almost 70% of marriage problems never get resolved. That doesn’t mean they invariably lead to divorce. In healthy relationships, spouses are able to accept that their partner isn’t ever going to change; yet they feel that their partner’s positive traits outweigh their flaws, and are grateful for them on the whole. Instead of solving problems, you can simply learn to manage them.
Happily, the stronger you keep your love and friendship, the easier that management process is; you won’t notice things that bother you nearly as much. When you stay connected with each other and are physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually tight, you’ll naturally have few interpersonal issues to talk about during Problems & Challenges; you can simply discuss the challenges you’re facing together — side-by-side, looking out at the world as partners in crime and everything else.
And what helps you arrive at this level of harmony and intimacy? Holding a weekly marriage meeting of course!
Source:www.artofmanliness.com
