PRACTICAL WAYS TO KINDNESS IN MARRIAGE
Communication is needed in marriage, romance is compulsory, sex is mandatory, all these are like food seasonings in the soup. They cannot combine to form a tasty soup without salt and the salt of marriage is KINDNESS.
No communication without kindness, no romance, sex or agreement can take place if couples are not kind to each other.” If sex takes place without kindness, it will be like rape. Kindness makes the journey of marriage successful. Husbands and wives will be kind to their marriage by been kind to each other.
This is absolutely true; no marriage can work out well without kindness. Kindness is the soul of marriage and the foundation of love at home. You get married because he or she is kind to you
“And be ye KIND one to another, even as God for, Christ’s sake hath forgiven you”. Ephesians 4:32
- Kind Thoughts. This may look funny but it is the truth. Kindness starts from the heart. If you are not kind to your spouse in your heart, you cannot be kind in other areas. Hence, you must develop a kind heart toward your spouse if you want to develop a better marriage. If you are not kind to your spouse inwardly, it won’t take long before you start to misbehave to him or her. The kindness display is a product of inward kindness and good thinking. So you must have the following thoughts:
– Thought of total acceptance. You must accept your spouse totally in your heart and thank God for his or her life. You must appreciate your spouse’s habit, outlook, voice, dressing, character, etc.
– Thought of forgiveness. Don’t ever habour bitterness in your heart towards your spouse. Don’t keep malice or resentment. If you do any of this, you are not kind to your spouse.
– Positive thinking. Negative thoughts about your spouse is not kind. Don’t ever allow negative thoughts to cross your mind.
– Trust. This is also a state of kindness of the mind. You will be kind to yourself, your spouse and marriage to trust your mate. Lack of trust leads to a chain of negative things that can destroy any marriage.
- Gift. Gift is another way to show your kindness to your spouse especially unsolicited gifts. Don’t wait till birthdays before you do it. Do something now, get him or her at least a gift per week. Everybody loves gifts; your spouse does. Men, buy skirt suits for her, perfume, shoes, bags, undies, night gown, phone, hats, gas cooker, washing machine, dish washer, cars, etc. Women, go ahead, buy your husband shirts, trousers, suits, socks, belts, under wears, shoes, brief case. Please note that you don’t need huge amounts of money to make huge impressions in marriage. Little gifts like fruits, sweets, snacks, a good book can also make his or her day.
- 3. Kind Communication. “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Ephesians 4:29). You cannot say you are kind if your tongue is wicked. One easy way to bring kindness home quickly is through your words. So learn to build up your spouse with your words. Speak to glorify God and edify men. Your words must be full of grace and seasoned with salt. (Colossians 4:6).
– Say good morning every day.
– Ask after his or her well-being often.
– Call during the day to say ‘hello’.
– Tell him or her “I love you” often.
– Apologise when you are wrong.
– Speak heart to heart with your spouse.
– Never hide vital information from him or her.
– Don’t ever say things that will hurt your spouse.
– It is unkind to tell lies to your spouse.
– Don’t criticize or condemn your spouse.
– Say “thank you” when your spouse does anything for you.
– Smile at your spouse often (even if you don’t feel like).
– Complement your spouse at least once a day.
– Laugh to any joke and humourous act your spouse does.
– Listen with your heart. Open your heart when your spouse is talking.
– Be polite. Always say “please “.
– Make sure that when you tease your spouse, it is fun and not hurtful.
– Be ready to lose an argument.
– Don’t interpret your spouse’s words when he or she talks.
– Say “Yes” more often than “no” when your spouse asks for a favour or for help.
– Pray regularly for your spouse.
– Ask your spouse, “Can I help you?” often.
– Say “we” and not “me”.
– Say “I forgive you” often.
– Speak to build the self-esteem of your spouse.
– Receive your spouse’s phone calls with joy.
By all means, let your words build up your spouse and not destroy his or her esteem. Behave like the virtuous woman, “She openeth her mouth with wisdom and in her tongue is the law of kindness.” Proverbs 31:26
- Kind Action. Kindness is also shown in our actions at home. Let your action define love and kindness. Don’t hurt, don’t be difficult and cause cries. Let your spouse give glory to God for being your spouse. Do the following:
– Show respect to your mate
– Routinely look for one good thing you can do to your spouse.
– Husband: Be helpful at home. Do house chores, carry the baby, do the dishes.
– Wife: Be helpful in the payment of bills
– Do something that will make your spouse happy
– Always be willing to help and support.
– Be compassionate.
– Try to know and understand your part.
– Tell yourself “I am going to start making the changes in myself”.
– If you know the current need of your spouse; go ahead meet them.
– Create deep interest in your spouse’s career.
– Don’t ever remove courtesy from your marriage.
– Don’t keep secrets from him or her
– Declare a gift month; give your spouse a gift- everyday of the month.
– Make your spouse number one on your daily to-do list.
– Spend quality time with your mate daily.
- Kind Reaction. Acting kindly is not enough; you must also learn to react kindly. Ecclesiastes 2:14
React kindly if:
– Your expectations are not met
– Your spouse annoys you
– Your spouse is angry
This you can do in the following way:
? Don’t shout when you are provoked.
? Don’t seek to punish your spouse
? Get angry with caution
? Soft answer is better from an adult; don’t fight like children or ruffians.
- Emotional Kindness. If you truly want to be kind to your spouse, you must also involve emotional kindness. This involves the following:
– Be sensitive to your spouse’s feelings. Don’t ignore how your spouse feels. Make sure you do everything to make him or her happy.
– Avoid suspicion. Avoid being suspicious. It is unkind to be “smelling rat” where there is nothing. This can lead to wrong accusations that will greatly affect your spouse’s feelings.
– Don’t mind-read. Don’t say, “I know what you want to say”. Are you a psychologist? Please don’t mind read.
– No distrust. Make efforts to trust your spouse except you have cogent reasons not to do that.
– Express your feelings kindly. Your feelings may or may not be right; express it wisely.
– Have compassion for your spouse.
- Kindness in Celebration (Proverbs 11:11-12). One good way to show kindness to your spouse is through celebration.
This you can do in the following way:
– Celebrate your spouse as a person. Accept him or her. Be proud of him or her, and speak well about your spouse both in their presence and absence. If you have the opportunity of talking in the public, talk glowingly about your spouse.
– Celebrate his or her success. No matter how small you think your mate’s success is, celebrate it. It is a good way to show your kindness to your spouse.
– Celebrate special days. Your spouse’s birthday should be well celebrated. Even if you don’t remember yours, don’t ever forget your spouse’s birthday. Celebrate it. Your wedding anniversary should also be celebrated.
- Kindness in conflict. There can be conflicts or misunderstanding in marriage but how you handle it will show your maturity, wisdom and whether you are kind or not. Conflicts do not destroy marriage. What destroys it is how we handle them. If you become unkind to your spouse in conflict, you will end up destroying your marriage. These are the kind ways to handle conflict.
– Talk TO your spouse, don’t talk AT him or her. Talk about the issue don’t malign your mate because of conflicts. Proverbs 13:3
– Learn the act of forgiveness.
– Apologise when you are wrong, don’t feel too big to do this.
– Don’t ever report your spouse to family and friends; it is a big sign of immaturity.
– Do raise your voice against each other, you are not babies.
– Don’t withdraw your service from your spouse. No “strike action”. Perform your duties despite any misunderstanding.
– Don’t threaten your spouse with a divorce.
– No separation
– Look for help in the right place; see a counselor.
– Confront your spouse kindly where confrontation is necessary.
– Normalize your relationship by all means.
Pastor Bisi Adewale is a family and relationship expert; author of Secret of Irresistible Wife and more than 70 other books on marriage and family life. You can reach him on familybooster@gmail.com, 08068312004, 08051512823, BB: 2AF5C883, Blog: www.bisiadewale.com, Website:www.familybooster.com facebook.com/PastorBisiAdewale.Twitter@bisiadewale
