The Marriage You Have Today Is the Result of What You Have Been Doing
THE MARRIAGE YOU HAVE TODAY IS THE RESULT OF WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING
If you don't like what your marriage has become, don't only complain about the result. Examine the things that produced it.
Let us be honest.
Your marriage did not become what it is today in one day.
It was built.
Brick by brick.
Word by word.
Choice by choice.
Action by action.
The laughter you have today was built by the moments you shared yesterday.
The distance between you may have been built by months or years of silence, unresolved offences, neglect and conversations that were never had.
The friendship you enjoy today did not happen by accident.
And neither did the coldness.
Every marriage is being built every day.
The question is:
WHAT ARE YOU BUILDING?
Many couples want a better marriage, but they don't want to change the things they do every day.
A husband wants a loving wife, but he has stopped showing affection.
A wife wants a caring husband, but every conversation with him has become criticism.
They want intimacy, but they have stopped being friends.
They want communication, but nobody wants to listen.
They want forgiveness, but both of them are keeping records of past offences.
They want peace, but they have turned every disagreement into a competition.
You cannot consistently plant thorns and expect roses at harvest.
Marriage responds to what you continually put into it.
YOUR MARRIAGE IS TALKING TO YOU
Sometimes the condition of your marriage is giving you a message.
When conversation has disappeared, something needs attention.
When laughter has disappeared, something needs attention.
When you would rather stay on your phone than talk to your spouse, something needs attention.
When you are physically together but emotionally far apart, something needs attention.
When you have become more comfortable talking about your spouse than talking to your spouse, something needs attention.
Don't wait until there is a major crisis before you start paying attention.
Many marriages don't suddenly collapse.
They drift.
The conversations become fewer.
The friendship becomes weaker.
The affection becomes occasional.
The prayers disappear.
The misunderstandings increase.
Forgiveness becomes harder.
And eventually, two people who once couldn't wait to be together begin wondering how they became strangers.
That gradual drift is a recurring concern in Bisi Adewale's recent marriage teaching, where he emphasizes that strong marriages require intentional investment in friendship, communication, forgiveness, prayer and connection.
STOP ASKING, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY SPOUSE?”
Ask another question:
“WHAT AM I CONTRIBUTING TO THIS MARRIAGE?”
This is where many couples don't want to go.
It is easy to identify your spouse's mistakes.
You know when she is disrespectful.
You know when he doesn't communicate.
You know when she nags.
You know when he doesn't spend enough time at home.
You know everything your spouse is doing wrong.
But marriage becomes healthier when you stop looking only through the window and start looking in the mirror.
What are you bringing into your home?
Are you bringing peace?
Are you bringing kindness?
Are you bringing friendship?
Are you bringing encouragement?
Are you bringing prayer?
Are you bringing forgiveness?
Are you bringing honesty?
Are you bringing romance?
Are you bringing patience?
Or are you bringing anger, criticism, silence, suspicion and resentment?
The Bible says:
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another...”
Ephesians 4:32
Kindness is not weakness.
Sometimes a marriage does not need another argument.
It needs kindness.
Sometimes your spouse does not need another lecture.
They need to feel loved.
Sometimes the problem is not that you don't have something to say.
The problem is that you have forgotten how to say it.
Bisi Adewale has similarly emphasized kindness, constructive communication, forgiveness, apology and practical acts of care as foundational behaviors in marriage.
WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN REPEATING?
Your marriage is strongly influenced by your repeated habits.
If you repeatedly criticize your spouse, criticism becomes the atmosphere.
If you repeatedly appreciate your spouse, appreciation becomes the atmosphere.
If you repeatedly withdraw whenever there is conflict, emotional distance grows.
If you repeatedly sit down and talk through difficult matters, communication becomes stronger.
If you repeatedly forgive, resentment loses its grip.
If you repeatedly pray together, spiritual connection grows.
If you repeatedly make time for each other, friendship becomes stronger.
What you do occasionally may affect your marriage.
But what you do consistently can shape it.
THE GOOD NEWS
Maybe you are reading this and saying:
“Our marriage is not where I want it to be.”
Then don't just complain about the marriage.
Start rebuilding it.
You don't have to fix everything in one day.
Start somewhere.
Call your spouse.
Say, “I have been thinking about us.”
Ask:
“How are you really doing?”
And this time, listen without preparing your defence.
Say:
“I'm sorry.”
Even when your pride tells you to wait for your spouse to apologize first.
Say:
“Thank you.”
Appreciate the things you have become so used to receiving.
Say:
“I love you.”
And don't only say it.
Demonstrate it.
Create time.
Laugh again.
Pray together.
Eat together.
Go out together.
Touch each other.
Talk about your dreams again.
Become friends again.
Because sometimes the marriage does not need a completely new spouse.
It needs the two spouses to return to the work of building what they stopped building.
HUSBAND, ASK YOURSELF:
What have I been teaching my wife about me through my actions?
Can she trust me?
Does she feel safe talking to me?
Does she feel appreciated?
Does she feel wanted?
Does she know that I value her?
Am I building her or breaking her?
WIFE, ASK YOURSELF:
What have I been teaching my husband about me through my actions?
Does he experience respect from me?
Does he feel appreciated?
Can he talk to me without being attacked?
Do I encourage him?
Do I pray for him?
Am I building him or breaking him?
AND BOTH OF YOU, ASK THIS:
“If we continue doing exactly what we are doing today, what will our marriage look like five years from now?”
That question can change everything.
Because your future marriage is being created by today's decisions.
Today's words.
Today's habits.
Today's priorities.
Today's forgiveness.
Today's neglect.
Today's investment.
You cannot change yesterday.
But you can change what you do today.
START TODAY
Don't wait for your spouse to start.
You start.
Be the first to apologize.
Be the first to appreciate.
Be the first to reach out.
Be the first to initiate a conversation.
Be the first to forgive.
Be the first to pray.
Be the first to show kindness.
Not because your spouse is always right.
But because your marriage is worth building.
A GREAT MARRIAGE IS NOT FOUND. IT IS BUILT.
And every day, whether you realize it or not, you are putting something into your marriage.
So, before you blame your spouse for the marriage you have...
Look at what you have been doing.
Then ask God:
“Lord, what must I start doing differently?”
Because a better marriage may begin with a better decision.
And that decision can begin today.